lessons

This past month has been. . . so many things.  none of them boring.

It started with a breakup ..  yes .. again.. (it’s cool though, i’m okay and i don’t want to brag but i actually think i’m getting good at this – Gold medal good.)  With barely a moment to breathe came a family health scare followed closely by a devastatingly close to home tragedy among tight friends.  Each of these situations also had a direct impact on my kids and left me fiercely protective and trying to help them feel safe, all while my life was whirling around me.

Thankfully, I had already lined up some amazing summer plans for them which meant that they were able to enjoy camps, grandparents and friends while i could figure shit out in my own head and make some sense of where i am.

and  i started out on a very self-reflective journey:

Today I sit in (mostly) stillness absorbing the lessons that life has thrown at me most recently and even further back. I accept that until I (finally/eventually/hopefully soon dammit) learn the lessons, these experiences were brought to teach me, they will continue to occur; sometimes in new forms, sometimes exactly the same, always with a whack to my head (and heart). I will allow myself to be vulnerable so that I can feel each emotion attached to these experiences because growth cannot occur in denial.
I will keep my heart and mind open to the new beginnings which are waiting for me.
And I will be light in love.

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but then… things became a little less folk singer and a little more rock n roll.  or should i say a little more I’m still a rock star (sorry Lindsay, I’m swiping your personal olympic theme song)

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To those of you who joined me during my 3 weeks of shenanigans and debauchery – thank you!! What. A. Blast. Have you recovered, because I may never be the same.

Seriously, I have no idea how people who don’t have kids maintain any level of responsibility.  whenever they leave it’s like i’m back in highschool and my parents are outta town!

When the kids came home (hugs and kisses all over!!), i sat quiet with myself for the first time in a while.  I was ready to admit that as much as I needed to shake things off and let loose for a bit…I’d been distracting.  And now it was time to get back on track.

My cousin Jill is a spiritual badass and I often seek her input when i feel stuck.  So i asked her, what next? I know I need to stop distracting but what kind of advice can the universe offer me.

The advice came loud and clear.

“GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ERICA”

“And Ps… you already knew that.”

sometimes the universe can be so annoying.

And so can the lessons that coincide with getting my shit together.

seriously, I hate them.  They are always uncomfortable and force you to look in places you really would prefer remain hidden. But if you take the time to learn from them, they can help prevent you from repeating self-destructive patterns. (and I’m so damn done with this pattern)

I am still exploring my current lessons but I know i need to trust myself more.  My intuition has become quite sharp within the past couple years but for some reason I often resist letting it speak.  When my throat feels tight it’s because my truth is stuck in it, trapped by fear, waiting for me to set it free.

Look.. people die, friends drift away and lovers abandon you. Sometimes it makes you want to curl up and hide under the covers. Sometimes you want to run naked down Hunter street screaming for the world to see (don’t worry mom and dad, this was not  *exactly* part of my shenanigans).

And that’s okay – take time to let that happen. But when you’re done, look back at where this all started.  Where did the pain start? Sit with that. Take some ownership. What can you learn from this. And as tempting as it might be, don’t close your heart. Stay open and recognize that small crack of light is actually an opening.

You’ve got this.

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Twitter: @pixiepaperdoll7

Instagram: @pixiepaperdoll

 

post break up play-list

Ani DiFranco: the entire Dilate album, including – Done Wrong

Pink – I’m still a rock star

Whitehorse – Broken

Amy Millan – He brings out the whisky in me

Julie Doiron – Consolation Prize

Frank Turner – Substitute

Jason Collett –Love is a dirty word 

Jessica Mayfield – For Today  

Lindi Ortega – Dying of another broken heart

Sparks – I married myself 

 

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