No sharp edges

Have you ever heard a new idea or concept and thought:

This resonates so hard, I’m vibrating.

That is how I felt when I first listened to the Desire Map intro podcast by Danielle LaPorte.

Basically the premise is that you identify your core desired feelings and use them as a guiding post in life.  Focus on how you want to feel, rather than what you want to achieve.  (And I am a big time feeler from way, way back!)

I haven’t completed the program (yet) but I have listened to the 3-hour overview podcast about a dozen times this month (maybe it’s time to splurge and buy the book!). Since then, in times of emotional turmoil, my inner voice has shifted from ‘ugh. I feel shitty’ to ‘how do I want to feel right now’. Sometimes I scream back “NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!” but then I stop. Breath. And regroup.

“I want to feel peaceful.”

Believe it or not, it works.

And if I’d written this post last week, I would have told you how empowered and in control I felt. (In fact, I actually did brag a bit on IG) How despite the fact that I am taking on a multitude of new projects, I’m excited and managing shit like a rock star. I was focused on my desired feelings and dammit, I was feeling them.

However.. that was last week. Currently I am actually writing this in the midst of a two day, melodramatic, all-consuming, foot-stomping funk.  And let me tell you, this falls into the “This is not how I want to feel” category!

I often hate going public when I’m feeling shitty because inevitably I receive the well intentioned advice to use positive affirmations and to look on the bright side of things. But the idea of telling myself to focus on the positive, kinda makes me gag. I never really knew why it felt so icky to me (I mean, what’s wrong with being positive?) But Danielle nailed it when she said, in these situations,  ‘positive affirmations can feel like a bullshit pickup line.’

#Preach

The last thing I need right now is fake cheer. (insert your favourite fake news joke).

In order to feel better (read: get myself centred), I will focus on my core desired feelings. By reminding myself of how I really want to feel, I haven’t invalidated what’s currently happening. This is key for me – I’m a firm believer of moving through every emotion rather than dodging them.  It also interrupts my mental complaining voice and points me into the direction of what I really want. This will inevitably lead to positivity (in it’s proper place) and open my heart to what is possible.  And in the words of Danielle it can help me ‘lighten up and stop being an asshole.’ Hey Danielle – you should meet Jen Pastiloff (if you haven’t already) – she has an awesome “don’t be an asshole” segment which I borrowed for a video blog once.

A couple of weeks ago, I met my fabulous pal for a writing date on my lunch break. We started with a stream of thought writing process and then finished with haikus ’cause

  1. I only had 4o minutes to write
  2. who doesn’t love a good haiku
  3. haikus remind us of our missing (sniff) writing date comrade who is currently residing on the more summery side of the world

My stream of thought turned out to be a ramble about what I wanted 2018 to feel like. I had only just begun listening to Desire Map but it had already seeped into my ink. I wrote about how 2018 would feel calm and smooth. Not to be mistaken with boring. (I gots to have intensity and adrenaline in my life!) There just wouldn’t be any sharp edges. Nothing poking me in the gut that cuts into my breathing.  No sharp edges into my thoughts that give me headaches and pulsing anxiety.  I want to feel…smooth. As I played around with my words, I saw the rounded corners in 2018. I turned my page sideways, the 8 became an infinity symbol. And suddenly, the possibilities were endless.  I want to feel empowered.  I want to feel calm. I want to feel divinely feminine. I want to feel free. I want to feel happy. I just want to feel what I want to feel.

Year twenty eighteen
No sharp edges to be found
Giggles. Breathing. Calm.

Xo,

e

Twitter: @Pixiepaperdoll7
Instagram: @PixiePaperDoll
#TeamAdventurers

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I run to lose weight….(wait for it…)

I got home from an exceptionally long Monday & was on the brink of shrugging off my originally planned run. Excuses were there for the taking: I was tired. (Yeah I know..join the club). I’d already missed the last 4 days..what’s one more? I can’t leave the kids for another 30 minutes, that’s poor parenting. (Psst…they’re too busy playing outside with their friends to notice). I’ve pretty much lost my layer of hibernation so what’s the point? 

Then I read a post by Jennifer Pastiloff who, looking fierce AF stated, “I exercise because if I don’t, I’m a mess.” #preach 

Running clothes on & out the door I started to think about why I run and realized it IS to lose weight. The kind of weight that sits in my mind. It’s not clutter or cobwebs or dustbunnies. It’s heavy & makes it hard to move. It’s atrophic. Being outside alone with my thoughts & minimal distraction helps me shake that shit loose. I practice my own style of active meditation (even though I like to insist I suck at meditation). I come home clearer. And lighter. 

Side benefit is setting a good example for the kids about how to deal with daily stress & anxiety. Had I not gone running, I most likely would have poured a glass of wine for dinner &/or scrolled through social media numbing my brain. And let’s be honest, I still might pour a glass of wine & tada here I am on social media..cause (thank Gawd) I’m not perfect but I’ve managed to changed the tone of my evening. 

I’m not fast. Nor do I typically run more than 5km at a time. But this is not a contest. And even though I’m not trying to win anything, I gain so much …. by losing this weight. 

Thanks for the reminder Jennifer!!! 

How do you lose that extra weight in your mind?

xo,
e

(Ps-how lucky am I to have this gorgeous lake to run around?!?!)

twitter: @pixiepaperdoll7

instagram: @pixiepaperdoll

Don’t be an asshole and let fear stop you

I posted my first video blog on you tube:  Don’t be an asshole and let fear stop you

Here is the written version:

Hi

In honour of my public speaking course at Trent, I’ve decided to try a video blog.

When I announced my enrollment into the course on social media (hence, when it became official) I received very encouraging feedback – thanks friends and followers!

Some wrote that they believed me to be incredibly brave – fearless in fact! Wow – that is so amazing but yet, so far from the truth.

I am actually scared of almost everything.

From “Did I hear something move in the bedroom?” to “Why is that squirrel looking at me like that?” to “What happens if I fail?”

I used this example in my class and my teacher asked me, so why do they think you’re brave?

Because I don’t let it stop me.

Because I kind of like that adrenaline rush of, holy shit here we go!

Whether I’m creeping upstairs to the bedroom with a hockey stick ready to smash any potential intruders or packing up everything to start a brand new life. I have now done this twice though for very different reasons.

I moved to Peterborough for love and change. I have found both.

But hot damn, is it ever scary.

And I have had to come to terms with the fact that not everything hardly anything is going to happen exactly how I had planned it.

Isn’t that humbling?

and scary.

Thankfully I have the most amazing network of friends and family who help me put things in perspective and most importantly, remind me to laugh.

I have learned to let go of my ego and recognize that there is a limit to how much I can control in my life.

I follow Jennifer Pastiloff on social media and she has a “Don’t be an asshole.” mantra which I love and repeat to myself multiple times per day.

Here is my version:

Don’t be an asshole and let fear stop you. Don’t think that the bend in the road is the end of the road. Let go of your ego and keep moving. Keep living. And keep laughing. Preferably at yourself.

xo

e

@pixiepaperdoll7

Feature on Manifest-Station

I am so incredibly honoured to have had my “Dear Jerk” letter posted on The Manifest-Station and I am beyond blown away by the overwhelming response.

Thank you Jennifer Pastiloff for this opportunity:

http://themanifeststation.net/2014/12/04/dear-jerk-a-letter-to-the-father-of-my-kids-after-he-took-his-own-life/

And remember,
you are not alone.

xo
e